Why We Accept the Love We Think We Deserve
Updated: Sep 5
Janelle Newell | 9/3/2026
The relationships you see in life set an example for how you navigate your own relationships. We learn how to love before we ever experience it ourselves. We watch it. We absorb it. We normalize it.
Seeing healthy relationships means you're more likely to have positive dynamics. But seeing toxic, abusive relationships, or being neglected by your parents and friends can lead you to stay in toxic relationships longer and go back to someone who hurts you. People normalize what they're more exposed to. What we see becomes what we know, and what we know becomes what we accept.
Media influences our perception too. People like Aniya from Love Island Season 8 have a more “traditional” view of these relationship dynamics, believing a man should treat a woman like a princess in a way that can sometimes infantilize us. On the other hand, people like Melanie may go back to someone who hurts them because they are scared of letting go of the few fleeting moments of validation they received.
Unfortunately for me, I can relate to both women.
We think that if we work harder, we will be more deserving of love.
"If we stay long enough, they'll eventually reciprocate and recognize our worth."
I no longer wish to feed into this delusion.
In enabling your own delusion and staying in relationships past their expiration dates, you just prove to yourself that you don't deserve better. This settling reinforces low self-esteem, and the attachment we develop becomes harder to break.
I know what it feels like to believe validation must be earned.
My Childhood
I never got much validation as a child unless I had the perfect grades or won a competition, so I chased everyone's approval my whole life. My parents never hugged me because they didn't want me to be weak or fragile, but the lack affection, made me just that. I was viciously bullied and I didn't receive the love I needed from my family either.
It's only been in recent years where my family started being more affectionate because they saw how much it affected my mental health. I think if they had come to this realization earlier, I wouldn't have given so many undeserving people access to me.
Low self-esteem made me carry myself in a way that made people think I was beneath them, even if I was superior in more ways than one. I didn't put as much effort into my skin or hair or style because I figured that nothing could be done to make me less ugly. It's sad to say, but the way I felt, became the way I looked.
I have a hard time looking up my name to this day.
But lately, my solitude has been an opportunity for me to do more introspection. I think it's also made me a bit sharper and more direct in the way I interact with people. I no longer tolerate disrespect. I cut people off swiftly, and I have hundreds of people blocked.
NO ONE will disturb my peace.
I suggest you hold yourself to the same standard.
Do not ask anyone to confirm a value that you were never taught to see within yourself. Maybe you just need a perspective adjustment (or new glasses).
How it Factors into Relationships
Physical intimacy can make it even harder to establish self-respect. Although I am a very sex-positive person, there is a fine line between sexual empowerment and having no standards. As a woman, I've come to understand that sex is not just a physical activity, but an exchange of energy.
Being “dickmatized” not only describes a state of chemical attachment, but also a mental and physiological attachment. And I don't think it's necessarily because you like the sex per se, (because if we're being honest, you can please yourself), but it's because you like how special you feel with the person.
You like feeling wanted.
You like the attention.
Maybe you don't get it often...
When the relationship is over, it is easy to confuse our love for a person with the love of what the relationship gave us. Sometimes we don't miss the person. We miss who we got to feel like when that person wanted us.
And when you're already chasing affection and validation, that feeling of being wanted can make it even harder to acknowledge when you're being mistreated. All you keep telling yourself is that you're lucky they chose you.
I no longer have a desire to be chosen. If someone wants to approach me, they should know who I am, because you can't just step to me in any which way.
Come correct.
And that's on "."
That's why you have to trust people's words and actions.
People who say they're not ready for commitment are still trying to find a reason to commit. They could be into you physically or sexually, but there's still a level of uncertainty because they're still wondering if there's someone better out there.
And you cannot love someone out of uncertainty.
Don't settle for someone who doesn't know what they want in life or out of a partner. You should be with someone who aligns with your values and understands your worth.
But understanding our value becomes even more complicated when we live in a world that has spent years telling some of us that we have less of it.
Being a Black Woman is Hard
For Black women, there are so many more aspects of our identity think about, and the role they play in our relationships and self-esteem. As someone who's been rejected for many lighter-skinned, looser hair-textured women, I had a very hard time convincing myself I was beautiful.
I struggled with a lot of internalized racism. I had low self-esteem, and wasn't comfortable with my race until about 18 or 19. I witnessed a lot of racism. I experienced it myself. I didn't try to take care of my appearance because I thought there was nothing I could do.
I wanted to straighten my hair or wear wigs or braids and weaves to be perceived as more beautiful, because wearing our natural hair is viewed as more childish. There is so much pressure to wear or use products to fit into Euro-centric beauty standards, but they're slowly killing us.
The synthetic hair.
The chemical straighteners.
White girls can leave the house without styling their hair, but Black women look “unkempt” when we don't.
There is something deeply damaging about growing up believing beauty is something you have to negotiate.
That you can be beautiful, but only if your hair looks a certain way.
Desirable, but only if your skin is a certain shade.
Feminine, if you have a certain hair type and demeanor.
Worthy, only if someone else decides you are.
When you grow up feeling like you have to change yourself to be considered beautiful, that follows you into your relationships. That's why a lot of Black women settle the most. I mean, look at Love Island. You didn't see Kenzie staying where she wasn't wanted or being anyone's second choice.
And period.
I want to see more Black women with that energy.
I want to see more of us understand that someone not choosing us does not mean we have to convince them they're missing out.
I've also thought at length about men choosing women with less expectations. For example, Black men choosing Black women less because of our higher standards and expectations of them. This is why I date interracially more, because the white men I was involved with put in more effort.
People assume I have a preference because of this, but I go where I am loved and respected.
I will not lower my expectations just to feel chosen.
I don't want love that requires less of someone else and more of me.
You should always be with someone who pushes themselves as much as you do.
Privileged Few
I think privilege affects this too, because privileged people grow up with more confidence because they are taught something that many of us have to spend years learning:
Their value doesn't have to be negotiated.
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